I didn't know anything was wrong; I just went to her desk because...well...I felt like I should. The feeling to do so was nothing spectacular, just a quiet thought to my mind that I heeded before I even realized what I was doing. Even after I arrived at my friend/colleague's office and spent some time with her, I didn't think I was doing anything out of the ordinary: I was simply enjoying time with my friend.
What Heavenly Father knew that I didn't know was that my friend had had a very stressful day. He recognized it and wanted to comfort her. So He sent me (only I didn't realize what He was doing at the time). She was important to Him, and He wanted to bless her.
I feel great joy knowing that Heavenly Father allowed me to (unknowingly) help my friend this evening with what He knew she needed. I feel joy not because I participated but because He helped someone I care about and I was able to see how He works. He was the one who comforted my friend; He was the one who knew what she needed; I just happened to be around to "answer the call" so-to-speak.
If Heavenly Father is mindful of my friend and her feelings, certainly He is mindful of me and what I feel...right?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Dreaming of Dreaming
In an earlier post, I lamented about not being able to dream--that fears and the need for logic and empirical evidence usually interrupted any dreams I dared to dream. This is still the case for me, unfortunately. My attempts to learn to dream and to overcome fears have caused me to become almost preoccupied with this. However, I think that I will make progress only if I can keep this topic alive in my mind and heart.
One of the ways I do this is by learning from others. My friend Emily is one to whom I look for insight on dreaming and achieving dreams. We have wonderful conversations about the power of asking Heavenly Father for what we desire, not just for what we think He thinks we might need, and developing a more intimate relationship with Him. Through my conversations with Emily, I have realized that I do not consider myself to be God's work and therefore do not consider my personal needs and desires to be "important" to Him. Perhaps this inhibits my ability to dream?
Whitney Johnson's Dare to Dream blog provides me with constant insight and inspiration; she poses questions that cause me to reflect on my own situations, attitudes, insecurities, and mental blocks that keep me from dreaming. Her guest bloggers post about relevant topics and deepen my desire to dream--to do whatever it takes to dream and then act on those dreams. I am grateful that there are other women who are willing to share their wisdom. There is so much I can learn from them!
One of the ways I do this is by learning from others. My friend Emily is one to whom I look for insight on dreaming and achieving dreams. We have wonderful conversations about the power of asking Heavenly Father for what we desire, not just for what we think He thinks we might need, and developing a more intimate relationship with Him. Through my conversations with Emily, I have realized that I do not consider myself to be God's work and therefore do not consider my personal needs and desires to be "important" to Him. Perhaps this inhibits my ability to dream?
Whitney Johnson's Dare to Dream blog provides me with constant insight and inspiration; she poses questions that cause me to reflect on my own situations, attitudes, insecurities, and mental blocks that keep me from dreaming. Her guest bloggers post about relevant topics and deepen my desire to dream--to do whatever it takes to dream and then act on those dreams. I am grateful that there are other women who are willing to share their wisdom. There is so much I can learn from them!
Small and Simple Tender Mercies
During the last several months since I last posted, I've experienced some tremendous, overwhelming emotional and spiritual struggles--overwhelming to the point that I, a normally happy and social person, have withdrawn from life in order to survive. I'm not feeling like myself these days, and that is extremely frustrating to me! Most of my days are spent in what I call Project Mode, "going through the motions" of life and feeling as little as humanly possible. The only objective I have these days is to survive.
The implications of this prolonged Project Mode are multi-faceted, and I won't explore all of them in this post; I'll save the discussion for a later post. What I wanted to focus on instead is how the Lord has shown me tender mercies even amidst the intense, harrowing suffering I've endured. I don't think it's a coincidence that even the Book of Mormon prophet Nephi included a similar insight, demonstrating Nephi's awareness of and gratitude for the Lord's tender mercies through all of the difficult times Nephi and his family were called to endure. Two places in particular stand out to me in Nephi's writings:
1. Before the close of the very first chapter of the very first book in the Book of Mormon (1 Nephi), Nephi states his "thesis" as this: "But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance" (1 Nephi 1:20).
2. Nephi saw tender mercies where others (e.g. his older, murmuring brothers Laman and Lemuel) saw only difficulties. His faith allowed him to see what the Lord was doing--how the Lord was providing smaller, compensating blessings to make life more endurable. This vision enabled Nephi to continue on to the promised land without murmuring.
The implications of this prolonged Project Mode are multi-faceted, and I won't explore all of them in this post; I'll save the discussion for a later post. What I wanted to focus on instead is how the Lord has shown me tender mercies even amidst the intense, harrowing suffering I've endured. I don't think it's a coincidence that even the Book of Mormon prophet Nephi included a similar insight, demonstrating Nephi's awareness of and gratitude for the Lord's tender mercies through all of the difficult times Nephi and his family were called to endure. Two places in particular stand out to me in Nephi's writings:
1. Before the close of the very first chapter of the very first book in the Book of Mormon (1 Nephi), Nephi states his "thesis" as this: "But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance" (1 Nephi 1:20).
2. Nephi saw tender mercies where others (e.g. his older, murmuring brothers Laman and Lemuel) saw only difficulties. His faith allowed him to see what the Lord was doing--how the Lord was providing smaller, compensating blessings to make life more endurable. This vision enabled Nephi to continue on to the promised land without murmuring.
And it came to pass that we did again take our journey in the wilderness; and we did travel nearly eastward from that time forth. And we did travel and wade through much affliction in the wilderness; and our women did bear children in the wilderness.What small and simple tender mercies has the Lord shown me during this intense trial? Thinking about this now causes me to wonder if I'm paying enough attention to the little things in life, if perhaps I'm overlooking additional blessings. I am resolving now to be more mindful of the little things in my life. At present, these are the tender mercies that come to mind (and obviously this list isn't comprehensive by any means):
And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings.
And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness. (1 Nephi 17:1-3)
- Patience when things do not work out as I'd expected and/or when I'd expected them to
- A resilient, patient, loving best friend who consistently tries to help me, especially when I'm ready to give up
- Finding a kindred spirit at work with whom I can share my innermost thoughts, Collective Soul, yummy broccoli pesto pizza (that she made!), and lots of laughter. (We can't sit next to each other in meetings anymore or we will VEx other people--haha!)
- Sleep. When I am actually able to get it, I feel a lot better
- A visiting teacher who cares and checks in on me
- My friend Kim moving to my city and into my ward
- Emails and texts from KShum. We laugh a lot together, and I know that she cares about me. When I was sick, she "conjured up" people in my city to check on me. I'm grateful that her friendship is never "out of service"
- Feeling more settled and "safe" in my job. I remember how paranoid and insecure I felt in my previous employment--always worried that if I made one mistake, I'd get fired. Now, not only is my employer secure and not going anywhere (I'm certain of that!), but I also feel secure in my new leadership responsibilities, my new manager and his up-line, and that my effort at work makes a difference
- Matt's miraculous work on my spreadsheet! Shift-F9 and I are now best friends
- NCIS and NCIS: LA. Tuesday nights are good.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Breathing
I love to write (as you can tell from all of my blog posts). Writing is often the way that I "study out" a situation and determine what I know and what I don't know. And it is also a way that I solidify my feelings / testimony of a subject.
When thinking about how I feel when the Lord is with me versus when I handle life's challenges alone, I realized what a stark contrast there was to how I felt. This poem is an attempt to illustrate that.
"Breathing"
Alone
In the harried ubiquity of
Chaos
Screaming in my ears like a
Drill sergeant
Forcing myself to inch forward
Gasping for breath
Every movement arduous,
Moments away from
Expiring all strength--
Collapsing.
Then
You
Find
Me.
Safe
In the certain embrace of
Divine Love.
You tenderly whisper
"I am here"
And that is
Enough.
Serenity--
The most delicious melody--
Caresses my ears
Replenishes strength
Relaxes every sinew.
I submit
Relinquishing the solo quest.
Together
We will face
Tomorrow's climb.
But for now
I
Can
Breathe.
When thinking about how I feel when the Lord is with me versus when I handle life's challenges alone, I realized what a stark contrast there was to how I felt. This poem is an attempt to illustrate that.
"Breathing"
Alone
In the harried ubiquity of
Chaos
Screaming in my ears like a
Drill sergeant
Forcing myself to inch forward
Gasping for breath
Every movement arduous,
Moments away from
Expiring all strength--
Collapsing.
Then
You
Find
Me.
Safe
In the certain embrace of
Divine Love.
You tenderly whisper
"I am here"
And that is
Enough.
Serenity--
The most delicious melody--
Caresses my ears
Replenishes strength
Relaxes every sinew.
I submit
Relinquishing the solo quest.
Together
We will face
Tomorrow's climb.
But for now
I
Can
Breathe.
Big Dreams, Little Fears: Just the Beginning
Normally, I do not usually take counsel from a fortune cookie, but the one I received last night at dinner seemed very applicable to my current situation: "Your dreams should be bigger than your fears." That fortune reminded me of what Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and someone I respect very much, had said about God anxiously wanting to fulfill our dreams, but He can't if we don't allow ourselves to dream.
When was the last time you allowed yourself to dream without pragmatic parameters (e.g. dreaming about what you genuinely desire instead of what you, in your current situation, think you can obtain)?
For me, it's been a very long time. If there was a grade given out for dreaming (and thankfully there is not), I would have consistently received at least a D (if not lower) from age 7 through the present day. Oh, sure, I can daydream with the best of them and can imagine for a moment that life was different...but the practical side always reminds me why those daydreams could not come true. This logical side also makes it difficult to watch fairy tales and other movies like that because I can't suspend reality long enough to enjoy them.
(Same thing goes for the song "Before he cheats" by Carrie Underwood: Why would you carve your name into his leather seats? I get the concept, but, really? You want to leave clear evidence that YOU were the perpetrator? That sounds like jail time to me.)
The concept of having dreams bigger than fears relates to suspending "reality"--to believe, especially when all of the empirical evidence concludes that a situation is "impossible," that God can and WILL provide the way for your dreams to be fulfilled. Some might even call this concept (believing in things that you cannot see) faith. Our faith cannot be based solely in an outcome or a desired result, not matter how much we desire it; our faith must be centered in Jesus Christ and in His ability and willingness to help us achieve our dreams. (See the Bible Dictionary entry "faith" for more enlightenment about this concept.) Our dreams become powerfully able to diminish our fears when we allow Jesus' perfect love to cast out any and all fear in our hearts.
Further, Christ's love will enable us to dream bigger and better dreams. We will not worry about the practical "how" of the dream (the part that usually classifies a dream as "impossible") because we will know that He will provide the way. Feeling Christ's love will enable us to see our divine potential, causing us to desire what He wants for us to become. We rise to the expectations, however low or high we establish for ourselves; Jesus' love raises our expectations for ourselves (what we can achieve) and for others (how He can advocate with others on our behalf to secure their help in obtaining our desire--e.g. in The Book of Mormon, the Lord softening the heart of Ishmael before Nephi and his brethren arrived [1 Nephi 7:1-5]).
In sum, when we feel the Savior's love, we feel safe to dream big dreams because we do not fear the outcome because we know He is with us.
When was the last time you allowed yourself to dream without pragmatic parameters (e.g. dreaming about what you genuinely desire instead of what you, in your current situation, think you can obtain)?
For me, it's been a very long time. If there was a grade given out for dreaming (and thankfully there is not), I would have consistently received at least a D (if not lower) from age 7 through the present day. Oh, sure, I can daydream with the best of them and can imagine for a moment that life was different...but the practical side always reminds me why those daydreams could not come true. This logical side also makes it difficult to watch fairy tales and other movies like that because I can't suspend reality long enough to enjoy them.
(Same thing goes for the song "Before he cheats" by Carrie Underwood: Why would you carve your name into his leather seats? I get the concept, but, really? You want to leave clear evidence that YOU were the perpetrator? That sounds like jail time to me.)
The concept of having dreams bigger than fears relates to suspending "reality"--to believe, especially when all of the empirical evidence concludes that a situation is "impossible," that God can and WILL provide the way for your dreams to be fulfilled. Some might even call this concept (believing in things that you cannot see) faith. Our faith cannot be based solely in an outcome or a desired result, not matter how much we desire it; our faith must be centered in Jesus Christ and in His ability and willingness to help us achieve our dreams. (See the Bible Dictionary entry "faith" for more enlightenment about this concept.) Our dreams become powerfully able to diminish our fears when we allow Jesus' perfect love to cast out any and all fear in our hearts.
Further, Christ's love will enable us to dream bigger and better dreams. We will not worry about the practical "how" of the dream (the part that usually classifies a dream as "impossible") because we will know that He will provide the way. Feeling Christ's love will enable us to see our divine potential, causing us to desire what He wants for us to become. We rise to the expectations, however low or high we establish for ourselves; Jesus' love raises our expectations for ourselves (what we can achieve) and for others (how He can advocate with others on our behalf to secure their help in obtaining our desire--e.g. in The Book of Mormon, the Lord softening the heart of Ishmael before Nephi and his brethren arrived [1 Nephi 7:1-5]).
In sum, when we feel the Savior's love, we feel safe to dream big dreams because we do not fear the outcome because we know He is with us.
Friday, August 21, 2009
If Life Were A Musical...
I believe that life should be a musical. This idea hasn't caught on yet...but I hold out hope.
And if it really were, I'd choreograph--or have Kenny Ortega choreograph--some killer dance numbers like the one.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Lynne Truss Would Be So Proud
I admit it: I am a nerd. I appreciate a well-placed semi-colon, and I rejoice in selecting the best possible font for a document. One of my favorite books is "Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation." When its author, Lynne Truss, spoke at a conference, I arrived at the meeting at least an hour in advance so I could get a good seat--and then I waited in line for her to autograph the book.
You might not be as obsessive about sentence structure or document design as I am (and yes, obsessive might be the best word to use...), but I hope you can appreciate the humor in the clip below. It is entitled "Font Conference." (My favorite part is what Wingdings says. LOL.)
You might not be as obsessive about sentence structure or document design as I am (and yes, obsessive might be the best word to use...), but I hope you can appreciate the humor in the clip below. It is entitled "Font Conference." (My favorite part is what Wingdings says. LOL.)
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