You Speak My Language

You Speak My Language

You watched me from above.
I reached out for you but dared not speak--
Yet you knew the words
My mouth could not utter:

Need.
Help.
Hurt.
Heartache.
Lost.

A linguist of love,
You articulate healing with
Every blink and syllable.
What name have I for you,
My cherished helper?
Only one:
Friend.

Awesome Things

A friend sent me a link to a website called 1000 Awesome Things. It's a substantial list--1,000 to be exact--and has some very interesting entries. Reading through the list led me to ruminate on the 'awesome things' in my life. What awesome things do I see, experience, or enjoy in my life? I decided to create a list of my own.

• The feeling of calm and peace I feel when I'm in the temple. (This is especially blissful since I'm normally a very anxious person.)
• Hearing someone you love reciprocate with "I love you."
• The overwhelming joy and gratitude I feel when I see the Lord's hand in my life--and how He pays attention to the details.
• The feel of a down comforter wrapped around me.
• A hug from someone who possesses the 'gift of hugging' -- the security and peace I feel when wrapped in that embrace.
• Making other people laugh when I say something witty.
• Following a small impression and seeing how the Lord uses me to answer someone else's prayer.
• Dancing--anytime, anywhere--and how I can get lost in the movements and be transported to a blissful haven. 
• Playing 100 games of "Go Fish" with a nephew--and hearing his endless stream of jokes.

• Enduring to the end of a particularly harrowing experience and feeling the joy of overcoming.
• Purple. The color makes me happy.
• Losing myself in a well-written book.
• The delight of insight and making connections in the scriptures that leads to further discovery.
• The synergy and edification that occurs when discussing the Gospel with Emily and Judy. I love to learn from them!
• Chocolate chip cookies made with oatmeal (especially from Hagermann's Bakery) and cold fat-free milk. Yum!
• The turquoise water at the falls of Havasupai.   

• The endorphins surging through my body after I exercise. I feel that I could take on the world!
• Hearing my dad's voice when I call him crying. Sometimes a girl, no matter what age she is, just needs her Daddy.
• The crunch of leaves under my feet.
• The smell of lilacs. 
• Feeling the sun on my skin, especially after being in the cold, air conditioned building.
• Seeing the Lord answer my prayers and my needs through someone else.
• Singing my testimony and having the Spirit testify that what I'm singing is true.
• Sleeping in.
• Finding just the right word or phrasing to encapsulate the meaning I desire, a la Elder Neal A. Maxwell.
• My car, Chad. He is very good to me and endures well all of the stress I put on him. Plus, he likes to go fast as I do.
• Sunrise on the beach.

• A note from a friend who just wanted to say "I love you, you are important to me."
• Hearing one of my favorite songs on the radio and singing along.
• Creating. 
• Sleep.
• Someone else doing my dishes for me.
• Feeling understood and valued.
• Someone I respect wanting to spend time with me.
• Learning 'big words' and incorporating these into my vernacular.
• Cathartic writing. 
• Trees make me happy: decorating my house with pictures of them; walking through a forest of trees; seeing the first leaves sprouting in the Spring after a long winter; soaking in the breathtaking colors of leaves in the Fall; researching the ancestors in my own family tree. 

• Finding a 'kindred spirit.'
• Inside jokes. Inserting inside jokes into conversations and making someone laugh.
• Being authentic and feeling loved and accepted for who I am--feeling safe enough to 'just be.'
• Camping with my dad and sister in the backyard.
• Receiving revelation.
• Flip flops that allow my feet to not be claustrophobic.  
• A phone call from a friend I haven't talked to in many years.
• Dustin--someone who loves unconditionally and makes me feel like the most important woman in the world. I soooo love you, Dust!

Tender Mercies of the Lord

A wonderful reminder from Elder David A. Bednar about the Lord's tender mercies.

A Better Choreographer Than Kenny Oretega

I didn't know anything was wrong; I just went to her desk because...well...I felt like I should. The feeling to do so was nothing spectacular, just a quiet thought to my mind that I heeded before I even realized what I was doing. Even after I arrived at my friend/colleague's office and spent some time with her, I didn't think I was doing anything out of the ordinary: I was simply enjoying time with my friend.

What Heavenly Father knew that I didn't know was that my friend had had a very stressful day. He recognized it and wanted to comfort her. So He sent me (only I didn't realize what He was doing at the time). She was important to Him, and He wanted to bless her.

I feel great joy knowing that Heavenly Father allowed me to (unknowingly) help my friend this evening with what He knew she needed. I feel joy not because I participated but because He helped someone I care about and I was able to see how He works. He was the one who comforted my friend; He was the one who knew what she needed; I just happened to be around to "answer the call" so-to-speak.

If Heavenly Father is mindful of my friend and her feelings, certainly He is mindful of me and what I feel...right?

Small and Simple Tender Mercies

During the last several months since I last posted, I've experienced some tremendous, overwhelming emotional and spiritual struggles--overwhelming to the point that I, a normally happy and social person, have withdrawn from life in order to survive. I'm not feeling like myself these days, and that is extremely frustrating to me! Most of my days are spent in what I call Project Mode, "going through the motions" of life and feeling as little as humanly possible. The only objective I have these days is to survive.

The implications of this prolonged Project Mode are multi-faceted, and I won't explore all of them in this post; I'll save the discussion for a later post. What I wanted to focus on instead is how the Lord has shown me tender mercies even amidst the intense, harrowing suffering I've endured. I don't think it's a coincidence that even the Book of Mormon prophet Nephi included a similar insight, demonstrating Nephi's awareness of and gratitude for the Lord's tender mercies through all of the difficult times Nephi and his family were called to endure. Two places in particular stand out to me in Nephi's writings:

1. Before the close of the very first chapter of the very first book in the Book of Mormon (1 Nephi), Nephi states his "thesis" as this: "But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance" (1 Nephi 1:20).

2. Nephi saw tender mercies where others (e.g. his older, murmuring brothers Laman and Lemuel) saw only difficulties. His faith allowed him to see what the Lord was doing--how the Lord was providing smaller, compensating blessings to make life more endurable. This vision enabled Nephi to continue on to the promised land without murmuring.

And it came to pass that we did again take our journey in the wilderness; and we did travel nearly eastward from that time forth. And we did travel and wade through much affliction in the wilderness; and our women did bear children in the wilderness.

And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings.

And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness. (1 Nephi 17:1-3)

What small and simple tender mercies has the Lord shown me during this intense trial? Thinking about this now causes me to wonder if I'm paying enough attention to the little things in life, if perhaps I'm overlooking additional blessings. I am resolving now to be more mindful of the little things in my life. At present, these are the tender mercies that come to mind (and obviously this list isn't comprehensive by any means):

• Patience when things do not work out as I'd expected and/or when I'd expected them to
• A resilient, patient, loving best friend who consistently tries to help me, especially when I'm ready to give up
• Finding a kindred spirit at work with whom I can share my innermost thoughts, Collective Soul, yummy broccoli pesto pizza (that she made!), and lots of laughter. (We can't sit next to each other in meetings anymore or we will VEx other people--haha!)
• Sleep. When I am actually able to get it, I feel a lot better
• A visiting teacher who cares and checks in on me
• My friend Kim moving to my city and into my ward
• Emails and texts from KShum. We laugh a lot together, and I know that she cares about me. When I was sick, she "conjured up" people in my city to check on me. I'm grateful that her friendship is never "out of service"
• Feeling more settled and "safe" in my job. I remember how paranoid and insecure I felt in my previous employment--always worried that if I made one mistake, I'd get fired. Now, not only is my employer secure and not going anywhere (I'm certain of that!), but I also feel secure in my new leadership responsibilities, my new manager and his up-line, and that my effort at work makes a difference
• Matt's miraculous work on my spreadsheet! Shift-F9 and I are now best friends
• NCIS and NCIS: LA. Tuesday nights are good.