"I Think I'm Going Crazy, Dennis. I Really Do."

I've been thinking a lot about happiness and joy lately--specifically about how they relate to each other and how we as humans can experience more of these in our lives.

Y'all know that generally I'm a happy person and a delight to be around most of the time (if I do say so myself...and I do, haha), and that I'm more likely to be found laughing and having fun than being serious--which is why my blog is full of funny, quirky things because that's a big part of who I am.

There's more than that to me as many of you know; I often find it challenging, however, to express my intuitive side because what I feel isn't as easily discernible (even by me) or discuss-able (if that's a word).

As I continue to ponder on happiness and joy, I return to a few quotes about this subject because I feel they speak to my current situation quite well:

Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony.
— Mahatma Gandhi

Happiness and joy come only when we are living up to who we are.
— Sheri Dew

Though I have experienced (many!!!) moments of happiness here in NYC and know in a way that I can't adequately explain that I need to be here right now...I realized that I'm not happy because what I think and feel (my intuition) are not in harmony with I'm saying and doing--but I don't know how to fix it! My intuition (or soul or spirit, whatever you want to call it) knows so much more than I can even utter...and not being able to get to the place where what I think/feel/know can be manifested in what I say/do is, pardon my New Yorker language, hell.

Hell with a capital H and the double hockey sticks and all that.

Hell because I know what I need to do but feel powerless to do anything to get there.

Hell because I feel impotent and, well, just cuh-ray-zee (crazy) with a capital C.

In sum, I'm unhappy because I'm not living up to who I am--and I feel helpless to change my current situation (and I've tried...for months and months!).

This entry doesn't really have nice bow to wrap up what I've been saying (partly because I don't have any bows or wrapping paper of any kind with me in my 2 suitcases' of material possessions here in NYC) but mostly because the problem is still that: an unsolved problem.

I guess more than anything, I just needed to talk "and try to get it out."


I think one of the challenges about telling our own stories is that they are being written as we go. Which is a wonderful adventure, yes...but it can also be a frustrating experience to patiently wait for the next pages to come off the press.

How do you reconcile yourself with the thrilling, sometimes frustrating adventure of your story in progress? 

When you feel stuck or not in harmony with your intuition (where your gut says you should be / be doing), how do you get UNstuck?

Pledging for the BGC

Treeshka introduced me to a special group called the Brave Girls Club.

Ever since then, I've wanted to become a full-fledged member. (Don't worry, I won't be borrowing your scrapbooking scissors just yet, Tracy.)

Today as I was reading through some of the archived posts, I came across this one about dreams disguised as a "how the Brave Girls Club came to be" post. I love the illustrations that accompany the powerfully inspiring post.

By Melody Ross, http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/6571/absurd

And after the last few days I've had, this photograph of the art piece Melody did of a bird leaving its cage is especially poignant. 


Won't Be Back steel art by Melody Ross http://melodyross.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c5c2253ef0115720adc97970b-pi.

In Melody's own words (and punctuation), she describes what this piece symbolizes for her -- and I believe for me as well.

Can you see that it says WON’T BE BACK? -can you see there’s a big diamond in the middle of the cage??? …… can you see that the rusty old tarnished birdie is ME??? why would I fly away from a safe cage with a diamond in the middle? well… Because it was time. Well…….at the moment that I made this little cage.. I was making a contract with myself that no matter what happened…..I would stay true to the decision I had just made…… And…let me tell you, it has been hard to not fly back into that cage….or some other cage….cages typically come with a hand that feeds them…..free birds gotta make their own way…. Times are tough for a free birdie these days……

I've since made this photo the background for my laptop and my BlackBerry, to visually remind myself of the contract I have made with myself.

I don't know what NYC is going to bring me or if I can be brave enough to find out, but I'm here to try. I've sacrificed soooooooo much to even be here--and to "make it" here requires a whole lot more than I even have in my bank account or my suitcase. I don't feel like a "Brave Girl"--certainly not qualified to join their Club--but I'm trying to be.

The Search for "The One"

As much as my family would like me to be referring to "The One" I want to marry, I'm actually talking about finding a job. There's gotta be something here for me...else why the intense direction to get myself here ASAP? So, now I'm here, feeling like a cliche, and looking for a job. I've applied for numerous positions...and there are prospects...but no "dating" yet--that is, no further job interviews and no job offers. I turned down employment back in Utah (a job I really wanted to do) because I felt that I needed to give the Lord and NYC a little bit more time.

I just wish that the Lord, NYC, and my bank account could confab and figure out how we're going to get through this.

That is my report.

And I Mean It!

One of the things I used to say a lot was "It's all good in the 'hood."

A few days ago when I was walking with KShum through the 'hood (I probably shouldn't tell you this, but our building is very close to several low income housing projects...), I responded to whatever she said with "it's all good in the 'hood." Then I stopped, recognized where we were and added, "And I literally mean that!"

Lesson Learned in NYC: Stay on the Train!

Last week when I was on the A train heading from the airport to KShum's casa in Harlem, I almost got off the train because I wasn't sure if I was on the right train. See, I'd done this whole AirTrain to the A train journey before when I visited NYC in January, and I felt confident that I could do the whole thing again without a hitch, so I didn't even bother asking for directions: I confidently (maybe arrogantly?) boarded the A train with my luggage and set off.

Last time I was here, however, I made a stop at KShum's office, which necessitated switching trains (C or B or D...I can't remember); that memory started messing with my sleep deprived mind and I started to panic. What if... I should've switched trains? What if... I was on the wrong train and would end up in a bad part of town? What if... The scenarios kept playing out in my tired brain, fed by the rising fear because I didn't recognize any of these stops and couldn't see the map to know where we were and where the train was going.

The panic continued to pervade my mind; several times I inched my way closer to the metro doors in case I needed to make a quick exit. But every time I decided in my brain that I was going to get off at the next stop, a peaceful voice told me to just hang on--that I was on the right train and I'd see the signs of this soon enough.

Thankfully, that peaceful voice won out and I didn't get off the train. The A train was the train I needed to take all the way to KShum's apartment; I just wasn't confident about my decision-making paradigm and its possible effects on my safety.

Lesson learned: If you get on the train in life that you know you need board, stay on it. Stay on it even when you're entering unfamiliar territory. Stay on it when you doubt yourself and you want to turn back. Stay on it and trust God to get you where you need to be, when you need to be there. He knows the way. Let Him take you there. "Cast not away therefore your confidence..." (Hebrews 10:35 -- see also the speech by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland from 1999 of the same name.)

You hear that, Self?!?!!?