It's All About Me

This morning on the commute to work, I was thinking about ... well, me, actually, and about who I am, what I like, what makes me tick (so-to-speak), and all of that.

My thoughts led me to remember a part of the movie Runaway Bride where Maggie (Julia Roberts) cooks and samples various types of eggs, attempting to finally determine for herself what kind of eggs she likes. It is a profound moment when she begins to know herself and assert her identity, ceasing to rely on others to create an identity for her. She then returns to the man she's truly in love with, Ike (Richard Gere), to share her discovery:

Maggie Carpenter: Benedict.
Ike Graham: Arnold.
Maggie Carpenter: I love Eggs Benedict, I hate every other kind. I hate big weddings with everybody staring. I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work. And when I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse.
Ike Graham: Should I be writing this down?

Maggie had become a chameleon--taking on whatever personality and/or desires was around her. For many years, I did the same: I didn't feel that it was "okay" to just be me, so I played the role of whoever people wanted me to be. I, like Maggie, had to test the waters (or the eggs) to finally figure out who *I* was--and to feel comfortable just being me, whoever I was.

Here's who I am, for better or for worse:

• I like scrambled eggs; don't like runny egg yolk.
• My favorite city in the United States is Boston.
• I love Harley Davidson motorcycles.
• One of my favorite activities is reading greeting cards and finding the "perfect" ones for friends and family.
• I love camping and hiking but I don't know how to build a good fire (I usually let someone else do that).
• I collect inspirational quotes, talks, and devotionals.
• I am (in)famous for food cravings: I have "food phases" where I crave a certain food constantly. E.g. Barbara's Cheese Puffs, Old Wisconsin Beef Jerky, vanilla soft serve ice cream, fish and chips from Arctic Circle, Super Pretzels, etc.
• Hip hop and hula dancing are my favorite types of dancing. I also love ballroom dancing and want to do more of it, but I don't have a partner.
• I'm a word nerd: I love to learn and use big words. (I subscribe to Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day).
• One of my goals is to visit as many LDS temples in the world as possible.
• Although I can do things on my own (and I usually do them well), I'd prefer to have help--someone I can count on to be there for me.
• I hate crying. When I cry, I claim that I have "allergies."
• At a restaurant, I usually order the same thing every time.
• I am addicted to Orbtiz gum; Strawberry Mint, Mint Mojito, and/or Maui Melon Mint are my preferred flavors.
• I love to learn.
• Someday I want to be financially in a position where I can donate the majority of my time and money to serving others and meeting their needs.
• A well-placed comma makes me happy.
• I have no interest in going to France. (Sorry, Doug!) When I planned my trip to Germany and Austria last year, I purposely avoided having a layover in Paris.
• I am not a fan of scrapbooking (primarily because I don't think I'm very creative). I also do not like parades or fireworks (when you've seen one, you've seen them all), raw tomatoes, raw oranges, artifical banana or grape flavors, and diet soda.
• I want my house to be as temple-like as possible, so I have/am investing a lot of time and money into decorating, including purchasing high-quality, sacred artwork.
• I am OCD about a dirty house because of the house I grew up in.
• I hate making the bed.
• I clean my toilets every week.
• A "closet" goal I have is to someday be influential among women--to speak, write, and teach--like Sheri Dew, Julie B. Beck, and women like them.
• I love sheep and collect them (not the actually sheep, but items with their likeness).
• It is very validating when someone thinks I'm funny, especially if it is someone I respect/admire.
• I feel loved when I feel understood. When someone knows me well enough to order at a restaurant or pick out a personalized gift for me, I feel validated and important.
• I don't love animals, although I'm starting to like them more, thanks to Simon Geilman.

• I am a planner by nature but am trying to become more spontaneous, to "fly by the seat of my pants" (with or without a light, haha). Doing so, however, requires tremendous trust, and I'm struggling to let go of the (albeit false idea of) security I feel in planning ahead.
• I would love to live abroad and give my children international experience--would love for them to speak one or more foreign languages.
• I love to cook and create my own recipes...but I hate cooking for one, so I usually end up getting take-out.
• Although I value emotional/physical/spiritual intimacy, I keep most people at a distance. I want and need to regularly feel the same security I feel when my father hugs me...but I'm afraid to open up, to allow people close enough, and/or to ask those closest to me for what I need.
• Teasing someone is one way I show love. Another way is by remembering birthdays and other special events.

Like a Child at Home

I love music, especially sacred music. One of the greatest joys in life is to hear music that uplifts, inspires, and teaches. How joyful I feel when I hear someone sing the very words my soul wants to express.

"My Shepherd Will Supply My Need" is one of these joyful tender mercies for me. All of the words are the testimony I wish to sing of my Savior. However, the last stanza encapsulates the deepest desire of my heart: to feel safe, secure, comfortable, wanted, and loved, like a child at home would feel.

My Shepherd will supply my need,
Jehovah is His name.
In pastures fresh He makes me feed,
Beside the living stream.

He brings my wand’ring spirit back,
When I forsake His ways.
And leads me for His mercy’s sake
In paths of truth and grace.

When I walk through the shades of death
Thy presence is my stay.
One word of Thy supporting breath
Drives all my fears away.

Thy hand in sight of all my foes,
Doth still my table spread.
My cup with blessings overflows,
Thine oil anoints my head.

The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days.
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise.

There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come.
No more a stranger nor a guest,
But like a child at home.

These words echo in my heart and cause it to yearn to feel that "settled rest" with Heavenly Father and the Savior. To this point in my life, I have never felt settled; I've always had to take care of myself and to struggle just to survive. My weary soul rejoices at the very idea of resting, of securing a place where I belong, a place where I am not treated as a stranger or a guest but "like a child at home."

What would that look like (feeling safe "like a child at home")? I can only imagine....

Prone to Leave the God I Love

The lyrics of "Come, thou fount" continue to resonate in my mind. I am especially fixed on the phrase "prone to leave the God I love." How very accurate those words are to describe my actions, especially right now.

I love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have a deep, solid testimony of the Gospel and of Them. However, as was recently evidenced, when I am feeling keenly vulnerable and the fear/panic begins to escalate, my tendency is to abandon the Savior instead of running to Him--which is terribly ironic because my fear is to be abandoned, yet that is exactly what I am doing to Him!

Prone to Wander

Yesterday after church, I spent an hour just sitting on the grounds of one of the local LDS temples. (I am grateful that that is an option for me!) As I pondered, to my mind came the words of one of my favorite hymns, "Come, thou Fount of every blessing." The words ring true for me, especially the part about how I am "prone to wander" and "leave the God I love."

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

"Pride in My Ride!"

A colleague showed this video in one of our meetings today. I have laughed out loud every single time I've watched/listened to it! This is a great parody of rap videos.

You Speak My Language

You Speak My Language

You watched me from above.
I reached out for you but dared not speak--
Yet you knew the words
My mouth could not utter:

Need.
Help.
Hurt.
Heartache.
Lost.

A linguist of love,
You articulate healing with
Every blink and syllable.
What name have I for you,
My cherished helper?
Only one:
Friend.

Awesome Things

A friend sent me a link to a website called 1000 Awesome Things. It's a substantial list--1,000 to be exact--and has some very interesting entries. Reading through the list led me to ruminate on the 'awesome things' in my life. What awesome things do I see, experience, or enjoy in my life? I decided to create a list of my own.

• The feeling of calm and peace I feel when I'm in the temple. (This is especially blissful since I'm normally a very anxious person.)
• Hearing someone you love reciprocate with "I love you."
• The overwhelming joy and gratitude I feel when I see the Lord's hand in my life--and how He pays attention to the details.
• The feel of a down comforter wrapped around me.
• A hug from someone who possesses the 'gift of hugging' -- the security and peace I feel when wrapped in that embrace.
• Making other people laugh when I say something witty.
• Following a small impression and seeing how the Lord uses me to answer someone else's prayer.
• Dancing--anytime, anywhere--and how I can get lost in the movements and be transported to a blissful haven. 
• Playing 100 games of "Go Fish" with a nephew--and hearing his endless stream of jokes.

• Enduring to the end of a particularly harrowing experience and feeling the joy of overcoming.
• Purple. The color makes me happy.
• Losing myself in a well-written book.
• The delight of insight and making connections in the scriptures that leads to further discovery.
• The synergy and edification that occurs when discussing the Gospel with Emily and Judy. I love to learn from them!
• Chocolate chip cookies made with oatmeal (especially from Hagermann's Bakery) and cold fat-free milk. Yum!
• The turquoise water at the falls of Havasupai.   

• The endorphins surging through my body after I exercise. I feel that I could take on the world!
• Hearing my dad's voice when I call him crying. Sometimes a girl, no matter what age she is, just needs her Daddy.
• The crunch of leaves under my feet.
• The smell of lilacs. 
• Feeling the sun on my skin, especially after being in the cold, air conditioned building.
• Seeing the Lord answer my prayers and my needs through someone else.
• Singing my testimony and having the Spirit testify that what I'm singing is true.
• Sleeping in.
• Finding just the right word or phrasing to encapsulate the meaning I desire, a la Elder Neal A. Maxwell.
• My car, Chad. He is very good to me and endures well all of the stress I put on him. Plus, he likes to go fast as I do.
• Sunrise on the beach.

• A note from a friend who just wanted to say "I love you, you are important to me."
• Hearing one of my favorite songs on the radio and singing along.
• Creating. 
• Sleep.
• Someone else doing my dishes for me.
• Feeling understood and valued.
• Someone I respect wanting to spend time with me.
• Learning 'big words' and incorporating these into my vernacular.
• Cathartic writing. 
• Trees make me happy: decorating my house with pictures of them; walking through a forest of trees; seeing the first leaves sprouting in the Spring after a long winter; soaking in the breathtaking colors of leaves in the Fall; researching the ancestors in my own family tree. 

• Finding a 'kindred spirit.'
• Inside jokes. Inserting inside jokes into conversations and making someone laugh.
• Being authentic and feeling loved and accepted for who I am--feeling safe enough to 'just be.'
• Camping with my dad and sister in the backyard.
• Receiving revelation.
• Flip flops that allow my feet to not be claustrophobic.  
• A phone call from a friend I haven't talked to in many years.
• Dustin--someone who loves unconditionally and makes me feel like the most important woman in the world. I soooo love you, Dust!